he puts the penis in happiness.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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