tonight lets celebrate not being married
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
