i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
