Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
