We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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