Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
