This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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