you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think your dad took our porno
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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