Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
