i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
