I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
