So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
