it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
