Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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