I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
