The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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