Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I want her autograph on my taint
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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