Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
