She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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