I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
