tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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