I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate all girls vehemently.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
