I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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