Betty ford says i'm here all night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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