What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
