Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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