There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
