I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
