That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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