4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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