Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
