...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
