be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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