I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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