Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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