your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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