what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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