I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
