i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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