Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
