I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
