The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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