i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
