So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
