Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
