somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Randomize
