He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
