I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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