forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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