My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
