He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
