You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
