we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Come share oat with me in your robe
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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