Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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