i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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