Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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