I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
